October 26, 2016

An Open Letter From Your Student Loan Company: Happy Holidays Recent College Grad!

Dear Recent College Grad,

How happy we are that you chose to go to college so many years ago?  Even more so, we thank God that you chose a private college with those expensive living costs and high tuitions.  It means so much to us that you carried us with you all the way through.  Thank you for not working too hard over the summer!  Oh, and that free internship with college credit?  Why we couldn’t have asked for more!   Just remember all the pizza and shoes we provided that year!  Don’t forget that sweet trip to Miami for Spring Break — oh, what fun we had.  We are just sorry that we had to share you with your credit card.

Now don’t be mad at us when we arrive in the mail this month.  Unlike your credit card, we gave you a six-month grace period.  Wasn’t that nice?  So this is just a friendly reminder from you private loan company:

Six months is now up.  This bill is due every month.  Don’t be late or you will pay (literally).  You can’t get rid of us — not even through bankruptcy.  Don’t even try dying on us — because you see those wonderful parents smiling in your graduation photo?  We will take their house, their car, and their savings until your bill is paid in full.

I know it sounds so mean of us, but this is how it works now.  College isn’t free like they pretend it to be when you’re 18.  A $100,000 loan is a lot bigger when you’re unemployed or underemployed — yes we know.  Even so, with the average salary of a college grad at $27,000, feel free to get to know us.  We plan on sticking around.  I know you dream of a new car and that fancy first home, but the fact is, you better pay us first because we will take everything else if you don’t.

You really don’t need that fancy TV.  I guess if you wanted that should have become a plumber.  I heard that they do really well.  The trash collectors too — they don’t owe me a dime. Nor do the electricians.  Some of them even own their own business.  Yet it’s really the damn entrepreneur that gets under our skin.  They make millions a year on companies they started.  No college education and no loans for most of them.  I bet nobody told you about that when you were 18, did they?

Sometimes growing up just isn’t fun.

Happy Holidays From Dewey, Cheatum, & Howe Loan Group!

Anna Domzalski is a staff writer for the Financial Bin. Anna will soon begin her role as Dean of Financial Bin University and will conduct online budgeting classes beginning in February 2012. She can be reached via email at Anna@FinancialBin.com.